You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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