really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
