the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
