farters have to be the big spoon...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
