I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
