I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
