i was born a porn star she said
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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