I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
