I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We got so high we made milksteak
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
