I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
