wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
