the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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