I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
