I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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