am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
