Someone shit on the floor
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
