Got a toothbrush?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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