I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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