No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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