She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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