Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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