A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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