I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
