Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just threw up on my dentist
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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