mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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