remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
