Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
