Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
