i don't like sucking hair
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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