then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
