sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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