Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
