i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
