I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
