i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
