goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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