did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
