I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
