At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
