there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
