Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
