She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
