i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
