Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
