he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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