I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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