My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He passed out mid-signature
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
