Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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