Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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