forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
