the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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