You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
