I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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